No Surprises—Create a Plan for Helping Guests with Autism

By Irene Tanzman, Newton, Mass.It’s your clients’ wedding day, and everything has to be perfect.  Most couples don’t want their day ruined by someone who might scream through the entire ceremony or have a temper tantrum. So what would you advise your client to do about a relative diagnosed with severe autism?  Many people don’t know what to do.  If the relative is in the immediate family, parents and caregivers might make an assumption about what the arrangements are for the family member with autism. Suggest that there be a family discussion regarding this topic so that there are no surprises. When you discuss accommodations for guests with physical disabilities, this would be a good time to ask about family members with other special needs. Consider asking specifically about autism. According to the United States Centers for Disease Control, one in 68 children is identified with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).Here are some strategies that you might want to consider discussing with your clients.The Ignore/Disappear StrategySome people deal with this situation by not inviting, to the occasion, the person diagnosed with autism. They invite the neurotypical family members while omitting the individual with autism. Instead of an invitation that says “and family,” they leave that part off or, worse yet, they invite neurotypical siblings and leave out the family member with autism. If they invite every parallel relation—for instance, they invite all first cousins, but ignore the cousin that has autism—the autism family will notice and will most likely feel hurt and slighted. The Hope for the Best StrategyIn this strategy, your clients invite the entire family, including the family member with autism.  In this case, your clients believe the parents/caregivers understand what the behavioral situation is and trust them to do what it takes to maintain decorum.  The family may or may not opt to bring the family member with autism to the wedding. In some cases, the family might opt to bring their family member with autism into the wedding celebration for only a short time or they might think of some other arrangement.  Your clients may request special accommodations for the individual with autism, such as a separate, quiet room away from other guests. It is vital that you follow through with any accommodation that you promise. Autism families may prefer the “hope for the best strategy” to the “ignore/disappear strategy.” However, there is a problem.  Not all autism families have an accurate gauge of the capabilities of their family member with autism.  Some may live on wishful thinking about how the person with ASD might behave.  With this strategy, your clients may run the risk of spoiling their big day, and perhaps embarrassing the family as well.  However, if your clients believe that the autism family has an accurate idea about their family member's capabilities, and you can provide the requested accommodations, this might be a good option. The Negotiation StrategyHere, your clients explain to the family that they want to include the family member with autism but they are not sure if the individual can handle the situation.  Then, your clients ask the family what they would recommend as a way to include the individual with autism in the celebration. If they suggest something that puts the dignity of the big day at risk, your clients need to voice that concern.  In many cases, both parties will be able to work out something. This strategy doesn’t put the big day at risk, but does attempt to include the family member with ASD. Wedding planners can help with a negotiation strategy. Unlike the “hope for the best strategy,” this one hands control of the situation to you and your clients as opposed to the autism family.The Substantially Separate Alternative StrategyIn this strategy, clients explain to the autism family that they do not think it would be wise to have the family member with autism at the wedding, but they feel that the family member is important.  Then, they find an alternative way to include the family member with autism elsewhere in their lives.  How? Here are some suggestions:• Arrange a quiet and separate celebration with the autism family.• Offer to help the autism family by bringing a meal, helping neurotypical siblings, etc.• Play a role in the autism family member’s life. • Be emotionally supportive. • Offer to advocate for legislation that will help autism families.Helping someone in need is a great way to celebrate the beginning of a new life together. ••