Surviving the Mother-of-the-Bride in 15 Steps

By Stephanie White, Amorous Weddings & Events, Mesa, Ariz.During a recent visit with your bride, you discover her mother is more than just concerned about her daughter’s wedding—she’s concerned about everything, and her hands are in everything! She’s insisted on being part of the planning process, and maybe she’s taken some of the control away from the bride. This is when you, as the wedding planner, may need to step in and draw a few lines in the sand. Yes, you want to be supportive and understanding to both the bride and her mother, but maybe you realize that what mom wants is only going to increase the overall wedding budget. Or, maybe, you notice her requests are putting a strain on the bride-to-be and her fiancé. This is when it’s time to sit with mom and discuss a few things, possibly putting an end to a problem before it really becomes one. No matter how invested the mother-of-the-bride is in the wedding planning process, remember that you are the professional, and you were hired for a reason. Here are 15 helpful tips for what to do with those wonderful (and, sometimes, pesky) mothers-of-the-brides:1. First and foremost, assure the mother-of-the-bride that you are here to support her and will take everything into consideration. 2. That being said, as difficult as it may be for her to hear, this is not her wedding. Period. Sure, it might sting a little—but every mother-of-the-bride needs to hear it. 3. Get to know the family dynamic on both sides of the aisle. This will help you address certain issues and peculiarities without offending anyone. 4. Understand the kind of mom with whom you are dealing. There are many different kinds of people in the world and not everyone will react to situations the same way. Once you discover the type of person the mother-of-the-bride is, the easier it will be to lead her in the right direction through good advice and positive support. Remember, this is her daughter’s wedding—she still needs to be involved.5. If the mother-of-the-bride hasn’t already, she needs to get to know the in-laws. Remember that every culture works differently and some folks might prefer to wait to meet the in-laws on the wedding day but anything you can do to facilitate this meeting helps. 6. Keep the mother-of-the-bride involved and ask her the important questions. Make her feel that her ideas and opinions are valued (because they are) and be open and excited for new ideas. 7. Never promise mom more than you can deliver. Remember, brides aren’t the only ones that come up with impossible requests.8. Remind the mother-of-the-bride to choose her battles wisely. It is one thing for her to help; it is another for her to interfere. 9. Keep notes when talking with the mom. If she is paying for a portion (if not all) of the wedding, you will want to remember that she does have a huge say in the planning process.10. Be honest and give constructive criticism. That’s why they hired you. 11. Watch your tone. Sometimes, you need to be the bearer of bad news or the facilitator of difficult conversations that simply must be had. Remember, it’s all about the delivery.12. Be ready for strife. Understand, the wedding is only one day, but everything leading up to that point can test your patience and put a strain on relationships. Realizing the only thing that matters is the happiness of the couple will help keep focus on achieving just that.13. Sometimes, the mom will try to change her daughter’s mind through coercion—especially if the bride is truly set on something that the mother may not particularly “like.” Some mothers have said, “My daughter and I are not getting along, because she wants something that I don’t like, and I don’t want to pay for it!” While she has a valid point about the financial aspect, ask her if it is really something that is going to bother her on the big day.14. Arrange for the mother and the bride to have “fun days” together—either picking out a dress or creating the seating chart together. This is a great way to ensure no one is left out. 15. Lastly, keep calm. Your emotions can affect those around you and having a stressed out mother-of-the-bride isn’t going to help make anything go smoother. In the end, each wedding is about the couple. The day should represent their likes and dislikes, their personalities, and their story. It’s important that mothers-of-the-bride realize and work toward this, with the couple, as a team. When addressing potential situations or strife, remember to be positive and keep a level head—everything will work out! ••